silver lining

when you’re in high school you feel like you’re on top of the world. you think you know absolutely everything there is to know about life. you’re so certain that the people surrounding you will be there forever; that distance won’t come between you and your friends, that you will marry your high school sweetheart, that’ll you’ll move out and life will go on without any serious troubles.

those moments are bittersweet.

then you grow up and realize living ‘pay check to pay check’ is a very real thing. that it sucks. that the people you once called your friends are strangers. that you’re growing and changing as an individual. that that boy you loved grew up and changed too. you begin to realize how lonely you are when you’re struggling…

my senior year was not what i had hoped for, but i learned so much about the person i am and who i want around me. i went through a heartbreak that created a bitterness in me. looking back, i’m thankful for the pain i endured. i am stronger for it, but in those moments i didn’t know how to cope with sadness.

i lived life day by day and allowed myself to focus on my own happiness. i applied to NCSU as a transfer student and was accepted. i was beyond excited that i was going to escape my hometown and start a new chapter in life, but that didn’t go as planned. just before Christmas 2017 i visited NCSU to schedule my classes for the following semester. it was too expensive. i remember walking to the car with my mom, head down, tears streaming down my face. i was heartbroken and angry. after an argument with my mom and a trip to sam’s club, we went back to the hotel room where i cried some more.

silver lining, always find the silver lining.

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my mom has recited this to me since i was a child. so that’s when my current life began. sitting in the hotel room of a red roof inn located in NC, i applied for kent state university. with less than a week left to apply, i made the decision to fight for my life and education. after completing the application, i searched for housing. i searched and searched all night. i sent emails and made arrangements to look at apartments upon our return to ohio.  even though the thought of staying in ohio didn’t thrill me, i was excited to start this new adventure of living on my own.

after acceptance, i moved two hours away from my hometown. i emptied my savings for a small apartment above a random guy’s garage (never do this. don’t use craig’s list when searching for apartments. trust me). i moved in. i was on my own.

everything was new and different. i was working full-time and going to school. i met evan and elizabeth in my first year experience class at ksu and we became great friends. i also met a guy. things seemed great, but then i lost my job… so i was running out of money, stressed with school, and having a rough time finding a job. down on my luck…

in march i accepted a job opportunity. i was still in a tough place mentally as well as financially, but i had my eye on the prize. things were going to get better eventually, i just had to make it through this very rough path. this is something that i had to tell myself. some days were worse than others.

about half way through the year, my lease above the weirdos garage was finally coming to an end. i searched and searched for something affordable and in a decent neighborhood, but kept falling short. i eventually found a cute and affordable apartment in a thriving neighborhood. i gave them first months rent… the deposit… i was packed and ready to move in… then i got the phone call. the place had bed bugs.

great. life is so great.

i was livid. what was i going to do?! my lease was up and i had to be out… thankfully i had met a great friend at work who just happened to have a house for rent. her family gave me a great deal on rent and bills so i moved in asap. maybe everything was going to work out after-all. i had a cute little house of my own, a good paying job, a boyfriend, and an education.

never mind.

i was beyond stressed with school and work. i felt that i was constantly working and had no time to finish my abundance of school work, but had no other choice. i was so stressed that my blood pressure spiked and i had some issues medically. i was also struggling in my relationship. i was all around unhappy.

sidebar: i was still two hours away from family. my mom lived in boston and i felt extremely alone. i was in constant disagreements with my father and my siblings didn’t really keep contact with me.

my mom visited me for a week and stocked my fridge. she’s always been supportive and helpful, but it was hard being away from her. my birthday came around and my sister and dad came for a visit. it was hard saying good bye when they left. i truly felt so alone being so far away from everyone.

my time with everyone felt so limited. it still does.

i decided that being single was the best thing for me and i broke it off with my significant other. my focus was on myself at this point. my happiness mattered. it was my time to thrive.

i went home for thanksgiving and had a wonderful time with my family. i missed my mom who was now in oregon, but i made the best of it. life began to look up for once. i worked a lot and had all of my finals coming up, but i kept myself composed and kept working. i finished finals and completed my first semester in my program with great grades.

christmas break!!!!!

here i am now.. still living life day by day. i have no idea what is next for me in this series of events, but i’m 100% ready for it. it as almost been a year since i moved out of my parents place and i have learned so much about life and myself through the process of becoming an adult. life a hard when you’re forced to work for what you want.. and even then, you can’t always get what you want because you can only afford what you need. i also learned that it’s alright to make changes in your life in order to better yourself. its okay not to be okay… i cried. i made mistakes. i sacrificed my happiness and i will never do that again. life throws you curve balls, but it’s your job to adjust and roll with it.

my mother always told me to find the silver lining in every situation…

 

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