unspeakable

so this isn’t how i wanted to start my blog, but it’s something that i personally need to talk about in order to free my mind.

suicide.

more importantly, surviving a suicide. i’m not talking about your own, but someone you knew, loved, or cared about.

recently an old friend of mine took his own life. he was only 18 years young and he too struggled with depression. we weren’t close, by any means when he passed, but there was a time when i considered him a dear friend. i hadn’t heard from him in well over a year, but the night before he took his own life, he messaged me.

i was writing a final paper for class and was confused when i saw his name appear on my phone. we had an entire conversation and he expressed that he had a lot on his mind and had troubles sleeping. i asked him if he’d like to talk about it, but he told me no. i didn’t push the subject. after a while he told me that he was going to try and get some sleep… “goodnight” he said…20 minutes later i opened the message and didn’t reply.

the next day i was informed that he had taken his own life. his name still appears on my best friend list on SC… i’m numb to the fact that i may have been able to help him if i had just pushed a little harder for him to talk… as a person whom has battled with depression for a while, i know how he felt, but i couldn’t see it because it had been so long since i had spoken to him…

i’m still struggling with his death…

how does one get over the guilt that is taken from this experience? i understand that his mind was most likely made up at this point, but i have so many questions that will continue to go unanswered… why me?

i need a better understanding of this.

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One thought on “unspeakable

  1. update: i will be attending his calling hours to say my final goodnight. life is so precious. one moment he was there… and the next he wasn’t…

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