yippie hippie

my mind is in a much better place… i’ve grown so much within this past year, but i’ve also had a lot on my mind.

i’m currently a senior studying early childhood education; i’ve always wanted to teach and i’m almost there. butttttt after my recent trip to europe, i’m really not sure what I want. or what actually makes me happy.

i’m seriously caught between ‘travel the world and be the hippie that you’ve always been’ and ‘be a grown up and do grown up things and do life how it’s supposed to be done’

i’m confused, can’t you tell?!

like I want so badly to travel the world AND I want to eventually teach. sometimes I feel like I’m just continuing school because it’s the “right thing to do”. It’s what i’m supposed to do. ugh where is the risk?! why don’t I have the balls to just do what makes me happy in the spur of the moment?!?

what do I do guys?

#lostinthisworld #whatdoido #hippie

one’s first true love

this post isn’t meant to be sappy. it’s meant for those people that need a little encouragement and confidence. something i lacked and still do tend to lack from time to time.

confidence is key.

this statement is 100% true. i believe that one must first love themselves before they can love another.

so let’s get to my story:

growing up, i kept myself busy. i played volleyball, basketball, and softball throughout the year. i kept up with my peers and didn’t eat “unhealthy”. (i don’t think so at least). the other girls my age started to slim out our 8th grade year, but i found myself stuck.

my freshman year of high school i decided to continue participating in the same sports i had played my entire life. during basketball season i started a diet. i took these drops and was limited to only 500 calories a day. yes.. 500 calories. I was playing basketball and working out at least once a day before or after school. i lost close to 50lbs, but i was basically starving myself in the process.. i was feeling so confident about my appearance. i was wearing dresses and putting myself out there to make friends and meet new people. life felt better..

as soon as i ended the diet, i indulged in all of the food i hadn’t been able to eat. sure enough, i gained the weight back with time. i started to hate the way i looked. i would look in the mirror and cry because i just wanted to look like the other girls.

my junior year of high school i had an appointment with a specialist in cleveland. that’s when i was diagnosed with insulin resistance.

The hormone insulin helps control the amount of sugar (glucose) in the blood. With insulin resistance, the body’s cells don’t respond normally to insulin. Glucose can’t enter the cells as easily, so it builds up in the blood.

this helped me to understand that it wasn’t all my fault. yes i could have eaten better and continued to workout, but my body was also working against me in many ways.

with this knowledge, i began taking a horrible medicine that made me terribly ill. i stopped. i focused more so on myself and my relationship at the time. with the relationship i gained a lot of weight.. i ate out more and became extremely lazy. i honestly didn’t think about my weight. i was “happy” with my life. soon my high school relationship came to an end and i was still the chubby girl. i absolutely hated myself and was embarrassed by the way i looked. when looking in the mirror, i truly felt as though i was looking at a stranger. i didn’t feel like this girl.

even to this day, i don’t believe i should look like this. i struggle each and every day with self love, but i realize this kind of stuff doesn’t change over night.

weight loss surgery has been on my mind a lot lately. when my mom has the surgery i told her that she took the easy way out. as i’ve gotten older and realized what she put herself through, I can see how hard she’s worked for her health and happiness. the surgery saved her life..

i have tried numerous diets that don’t work and i actually plan on getting a gym membership shortly. remember i’m kinda broke.. anyhow i really want to start eating healthier. aka more greens and proteins. i just need some guidance. if you have any suggestions please comment below.

back to the self love.

even though I still struggle with this concept, i think i’m more comfortable in my own skin then i ever have been before. i have realized that i am lovable, capable, and worth it. your body if everyone’s first impression, but the people worth being around will fall in love with your soul. that goes for friends, family, coworkers, lovers, strangers, and everyone in between. if people don’t take the time to get to know the real you, then they’re not worth your time.

alive

just wanted to share that i’m still alive & that this blog is still a very real thing to me. i have been very distracted lately and I’m currently working on a post that kinda has me in my feels.

stay tuned.

on another note.. school starts on monday and i’m a nervous wreck. i’m broke (as usual) and i am terrified of the stress that this semester is going to bring me. currently begging the inner me not to procrastinate on any assignments and to stay organized.

i have a math class this semester and if you don’t already know, i absolutely hate math. with a passion. probably because i’m terrible at it, but still, it sucks.

good-luck to me…

silver lining

when you’re in high school you feel like you’re on top of the world. you think you know absolutely everything there is to know about life. you’re so certain that the people surrounding you will be there forever; that distance won’t come between you and your friends, that you will marry your high school sweetheart, that’ll you’ll move out and life will go on without any serious troubles.

those moments are bittersweet.

then you grow up and realize living ‘pay check to pay check’ is a very real thing. that it sucks. that the people you once called your friends are strangers. that you’re growing and changing as an individual. that that boy you loved grew up and changed too. you begin to realize how lonely you are when you’re struggling…

my senior year was not what i had hoped for, but i learned so much about the person i am and who i want around me. i went through a heartbreak that created a bitterness in me. looking back, i’m thankful for the pain i endured. i am stronger for it, but in those moments i didn’t know how to cope with sadness.

i lived life day by day and allowed myself to focus on my own happiness. i applied to NCSU as a transfer student and was accepted. i was beyond excited that i was going to escape my hometown and start a new chapter in life, but that didn’t go as planned. just before Christmas 2017 i visited NCSU to schedule my classes for the following semester. it was too expensive. i remember walking to the car with my mom, head down, tears streaming down my face. i was heartbroken and angry. after an argument with my mom and a trip to sam’s club, we went back to the hotel room where i cried some more.

silver lining, always find the silver lining.

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my mom has recited this to me since i was a child. so that’s when my current life began. sitting in the hotel room of a red roof inn located in NC, i applied for kent state university. with less than a week left to apply, i made the decision to fight for my life and education. after completing the application, i searched for housing. i searched and searched all night. i sent emails and made arrangements to look at apartments upon our return to ohio.  even though the thought of staying in ohio didn’t thrill me, i was excited to start this new adventure of living on my own.

after acceptance, i moved two hours away from my hometown. i emptied my savings for a small apartment above a random guy’s garage (never do this. don’t use craig’s list when searching for apartments. trust me). i moved in. i was on my own.

everything was new and different. i was working full-time and going to school. i met evan and elizabeth in my first year experience class at ksu and we became great friends. i also met a guy. things seemed great, but then i lost my job… so i was running out of money, stressed with school, and having a rough time finding a job. down on my luck…

in march i accepted a job opportunity. i was still in a tough place mentally as well as financially, but i had my eye on the prize. things were going to get better eventually, i just had to make it through this very rough path. this is something that i had to tell myself. some days were worse than others.

about half way through the year, my lease above the weirdos garage was finally coming to an end. i searched and searched for something affordable and in a decent neighborhood, but kept falling short. i eventually found a cute and affordable apartment in a thriving neighborhood. i gave them first months rent… the deposit… i was packed and ready to move in… then i got the phone call. the place had bed bugs.

great. life is so great.

i was livid. what was i going to do?! my lease was up and i had to be out… thankfully i had met a great friend at work who just happened to have a house for rent. her family gave me a great deal on rent and bills so i moved in asap. maybe everything was going to work out after-all. i had a cute little house of my own, a good paying job, a boyfriend, and an education.

never mind.

i was beyond stressed with school and work. i felt that i was constantly working and had no time to finish my abundance of school work, but had no other choice. i was so stressed that my blood pressure spiked and i had some issues medically. i was also struggling in my relationship. i was all around unhappy.

sidebar: i was still two hours away from family. my mom lived in boston and i felt extremely alone. i was in constant disagreements with my father and my siblings didn’t really keep contact with me.

my mom visited me for a week and stocked my fridge. she’s always been supportive and helpful, but it was hard being away from her. my birthday came around and my sister and dad came for a visit. it was hard saying good bye when they left. i truly felt so alone being so far away from everyone.

my time with everyone felt so limited. it still does.

i decided that being single was the best thing for me and i broke it off with my significant other. my focus was on myself at this point. my happiness mattered. it was my time to thrive.

i went home for thanksgiving and had a wonderful time with my family. i missed my mom who was now in oregon, but i made the best of it. life began to look up for once. i worked a lot and had all of my finals coming up, but i kept myself composed and kept working. i finished finals and completed my first semester in my program with great grades.

christmas break!!!!!

here i am now.. still living life day by day. i have no idea what is next for me in this series of events, but i’m 100% ready for it. it as almost been a year since i moved out of my parents place and i have learned so much about life and myself through the process of becoming an adult. life a hard when you’re forced to work for what you want.. and even then, you can’t always get what you want because you can only afford what you need. i also learned that it’s alright to make changes in your life in order to better yourself. its okay not to be okay… i cried. i made mistakes. i sacrificed my happiness and i will never do that again. life throws you curve balls, but it’s your job to adjust and roll with it.

my mother always told me to find the silver lining in every situation…

 

unspeakable

so this isn’t how i wanted to start my blog, but it’s something that i personally need to talk about in order to free my mind.

suicide.

more importantly, surviving a suicide. i’m not talking about your own, but someone you knew, loved, or cared about.

recently an old friend of mine took his own life. he was only 18 years young and he too struggled with depression. we weren’t close, by any means when he passed, but there was a time when i considered him a dear friend. i hadn’t heard from him in well over a year, but the night before he took his own life, he messaged me.

i was writing a final paper for class and was confused when i saw his name appear on my phone. we had an entire conversation and he expressed that he had a lot on his mind and had troubles sleeping. i asked him if he’d like to talk about it, but he told me no. i didn’t push the subject. after a while he told me that he was going to try and get some sleep… “goodnight” he said…20 minutes later i opened the message and didn’t reply.

the next day i was informed that he had taken his own life. his name still appears on my best friend list on SC… i’m numb to the fact that i may have been able to help him if i had just pushed a little harder for him to talk… as a person whom has battled with depression for a while, i know how he felt, but i couldn’t see it because it had been so long since i had spoken to him…

i’m still struggling with his death…

how does one get over the guilt that is taken from this experience? i understand that his mind was most likely made up at this point, but i have so many questions that will continue to go unanswered… why me?

i need a better understanding of this.

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welcome

welcome to my blog!!!

i have been contemplating this idea for months now & i have finally decided to create this masterpiece… okay maybe not a masterpiece, but something that might be worth a read to some.

i’d like to say that i’m just your average 20 year old female; attending college, partying and ‘living my best life’ but then i’d be lying. i don’t lie.

i’m actually a stressed out and financially unstable kinda gal. don’t mind me, i’m learning how to adult.

i’ve overcome many obstacles as a young adult and i’d like to share some of my struggles in hopes of helping others. after all, we’re all here just trying to survive.